I have been searching for you my whole life.
You were never lost, never were, and you never will be.
But still, I long for the imaginary man that should’ve been, could’ve been, but wasn’t.
Nearly thirty years later I find myself wandering; wondering.
..what it would have felt like to run into your arms and have you wipe away my tears when I fell down.
.. how life would have been if I could have laid all my burdens on your shoulders and have you make them all disappear.
..whether you would have saved me from the man who was my father. Could you have taught him to love me?
..what it feels like to be safe and protected by you.
..how different I would have been had I had you to tuck me in at night and tell me that you loved me.
I wonder what it would have been like to worry about life without you; to dread the day you would leave the earth.
There is a void, a dead space where nothing can grow. Barren and vast, it is where my daddy should have planted fields of flowers for me to lay in and be enveloped in their soft fragrance.
I cannot miss that which I never had. But the glimpses of this love through stories, through songs, and so much more, they are blindingly bright; burning the images of what could have been deep into my heart.
I imagine I would end this letter with “I love you.”